From: roar_ra@yahoo.com Date: Sat, 21 Apr 2001 19:36:31 -0000 Subject: xfc: New Story - 'Recomendations About Wanting' Source: xfc Title: Recommendations About Wanting(aka Scully's Letter) Rating: R Spoilers: Through S7 specifically First Person Shooter Feedback: Yes Please - roar_ra@yahoo.com Authors Notes: This is a crazy idea I could not get out of my head after re-watching FSP. If it's not good fic - Consider it an evil Muse exorcised. Summary: Remember the shy computer nerd from FSP? This is a letter from our favorite G-woman with some advice concerning Rat-therapy. ________ My Dear Young Friend, After exchanging a few words with you the other day I felt compelled to write this to let you know that your problems are not so unheard of or unsolvable. When you told me of the alter ego you needed to create - to insulate yourself from the testosterone poisoning of those you work with - I almost laughed...which would have been inappropriate given the situation. So instead a self-deprecating smile and a few sisterly words of wisdom had to suffice. All the while I was thinking to myself, "If you only knew..." Which is why I suppose I'm writing this to you now, so you can see how I've come to deal with similar challenges as they are thrown at me, just another working woman in a man's world. You've met my partner, Agent Mulder. You've seen his child-like petulant behavior. What you did not see is how wonderful a partner and person he is; why I am so devoted to him. He has been my friend and the major influence on my life for the last decade. However... sometimes a friend and co-worker is not enough. I, too, needed a release from the burden of being the "Token Female" in any given situation. Though it may seem to the outsider to be the ideal situation for an ego boost, to have all these men(boys really) fantasize about you, we know differently. It's difficult knowing that you are lusted after - not because you are sexy or smart or even admired, but just because you are the only body without a penis, which makes them want you. So I'm going to let you in on a secret. The solution to our problem - or mine anyway. I have an alter ego as well... Her name is Dana - my first name. Yes, she is me. I harbor no illusions of her being some six-foot Xena look alike. Dana fills all the holes in my existence that "Agent Scully" never could. You see, for the last decade I've come to be known only as "Scully". That is the term of address my partner uses. We have been so single-minded in our quest that I let myself morph to simply "Scully" - his image of me: the partner, the friend, the pal who could always be counted on. Scully loves Mulder but never has sexual urges. She trusts only him and needs nothing from him. She is satisfied without passion or lust because every atom is devoted to him and our work together. This was enough for me, for more years than I care to admit. However, like you, I eventually needed an "out". A way to be the woman I could not show my partner. I call her Dana. Dana was not brought out by me. I might have gone on indefinitely, repressing my more feminine and sexual side, until someone unexpected appeared at my doorstep. No, wait... that's the wrong way to describe what happened. He did not show up at my doorstep like any normal suitor might. No no no... He broke into my apartment one night and scared me half to death by sneaking up on me with a gun when I was in a bubble bath. But that's another story... Krycek...Alex...brought with him the promise to unleash what I thought had been buried past all conscious thought: the ability to be a wanton, to be lusty and selfish without fear. He is Mulder and Scully's most hated enemy. Especially Mulder's. Krycek has lied and betrayed Mulder countless times - he was involved in the murder of Mulder's father - and basically stands for everything law-abiding citizens should fear and despise. I hate him. There is no question about this. Yet he is my lover. When he came to me that first night, I fought him. I refused to believe anything he said about how he desired me. So he finally decided to show me instead. I can only think of two words to adequately describe that experience: Hoo-Boy!!! Krycek was the evil son of a bitch that Mulder and Scully would kill without a second thought. So what was it about him that made me sob in ecstasy rather than agony when he shoved me against a wall and proceeded to work his very talented tongue into my mouth? I don't know. I thought about biting him hard enough to make him choke on his own blood. Part of me wanted to. The other part moaned into his mouth and decided to kill him later. We are both battle-scarred and jaded from a fight only a select few even know exists - but never mind that. Suffice it to say the secrecy of your precious "game" pales in comparison to the secrets these men keep. And Alex Krycek is not on my side. I'm never sure who he is working for, but it is not the "good guys", as I like to think of us as being. I didn't understand it at the time, but I think Alex Krycek was looking for an alter ego as well. Alex seduced me with the impossibility of the entire situation, much like the possibility of being an amazon stripper with no morals to speak of seemed impossible and alluring to you. I thought he was insane. Perhaps insanity is contagious. Or perhaps he is the one thing that has kept me sane through all of the impossible situations I've seen. Strange how Alex's teeth marks on my thighs make me feel real and grounded - his leaving dental records in the carnal bruises as he loses control reminds that who I am is not dictated by my job. He keeps me assured of my place as a lover and a fighter. I find this especially helpful when my errant partner ditches me whenever he wants. I'm sure he convinces himself it's because a situation is "too dangerous" or some other such self-centered bullshit. This is particularly insulting since I have pulled his ass out of the fire with embarrassing frequency. Witness the way we got away from your cyber-bitch. But I digress. Knowing that Alex Krycek - the deadliest enemy I've ever known - is a slave to our passions (admittedly as much of a slave as I am) is unbelievably empowering. Knowing that he is so addicted to our unique chemistry that he risks being caught and killed every time he sees me - this is how I keep my strength. We hold a power over these men, most of whom will not allow themselves to admit they want us in the light of day. Easier to act out shameless fantasies. But the truth is much more powerful. The do want us. Only the ballsy ones will admit it. I recommend you make an "official" trip to a competitor's company soon. Seduce one of the top-level analysts and programmers. An intellectual seduction naturally: this is the most potent kind. Smart is sexy - never forget that. Alex once let me know exactly how much power I did hold. He admitted he had been assigned surveillance duty on Mulder's apartment (once again it's better that you don't ask too many questions about this kind of thing. Just know it did not surprise me at all)... What did surprise me is how many hours of footage included Mulder "getting his ya-ya's off" while yelling, gasping, screaming, cursing and groaning my name. Almost every time - with the exception of when he is unable to speak at all - he has the word "Scully" on his lips. Alex knew he was taking a chance showing me those tapes... And perhaps if Mulder had called out "Dana" in any of those moments, I'd have leapt out of bed with Alex and into Mulder's arms. No, I realize that I will probably never be "Dana" to Mulder... I'm not sure I'd even want to be anymore. His obsession is the x-files and everything associated with them - this includes me. But only as Agent Scully. Mulder is the one who has helped me renounce my Christian name in favor of a title as unisex as his. I have become the ideal counterpoint to his believer and we are yin and yang in that way... But sex with Mulder now would kill any chance of being Dana. I would be consumed by the image of what Mulder wants me to be. Thank God Alex saved me from trying to be Mulder's lover, because eventually I think I would have tried. Perhaps one day in the far-off future Mulder will know the other side of Scully. I would like him to meet Dana. For now he only lets himself lust after Scully, and until recently I never would have thought he was missing anything by doing so. We are so much more than the sum total of our jobs... If this letter has any impact on you at all let this be what you remember. Alex worships me as Dana, the woman who can bring him salvation or damnation on a whim. We are perfect adversaries and lovers. The thief and the fed. Wanton and ravisher. Hiding from everyone but each other, he owns my body and I his soul. We keep each other sane and pure. Mulder... my friend and partner, so much more than a lover could ever be. We have seen each other through every crisis in the past decade. Yet, still... I think he would kill me if he knew. I know he would kill Krycek. The act of what he would consider a personal betrayal would be too much for his fragile ego to handle. Yet I cannot make myself regret these actions, knowing the fierce demands of Alex's body above mine, erasing everything but the sensation of his hard, sweat-slick skin against my body. It is not a betrayal of Mulder, because that part of me does not belong to him. Mulder wants so much of me, requires so much attention. Alex is my reminder that I can have my own needs fulfilled as well. I'm able to be Mulder's saint: to heal him, comfort him and save him without asking anything in return. Alex is a lone wolf - he can take care of himself. He will not ask for anything except his name on my lips when I come. It's a wonderful change. This is the way to make it through the male-ego-infested everyday, working world. Keep in mind the passion of a man who will do anything to possess you. Then go to work with the "other" men in your life knowing that however much they desire you, you don't need anything from them. You are spoken for-- By YOU. Not the man who shares your heart, bed, or mind. We hold a power over them...one which exists whether we choose to admit it or not. The only choice is: Are you going to use it? Or keep playing dress up with computer dolls hoping to find empowerment behind a monitor? Real life is much more enjoyable. Take a chance. I'll close this personal advice column now. My lover is just waking from his nap, and watching his hard, sleek form stretch like a lazy cat as he gets up is a beautiful wonderful pastime. Must follow my own words of wisdom... I hope you do too. Sincerely, Dana Scully _________________ Misc. Authors Ramblings - Thanks to Mrs. Stan Kelly , Janet and Bizzichick for the beta help. I think this will probably be last chapter in this series, but I'm always willing to take feed back in to consideration when it comes to story ideas... Thanks also to everyone who wrote in after my first posts - that stuff keeps my fingers typing!